I am a mum.....
I am an auntie....
I am a sister....
I am a daughter.....
I was a wife......
And I am a special needs parent.......but
I'm also Helen!
When I was young I had all these hopes and dreams like any other kid did.....I loved my films, wanted to be an actress or a singer or both!
I had friends and family around me that loved me for me.....Helen......if friends came round they would ask for Helen......if I met someone new I'd say "hi, I'm Helen".......now, 9 times out of 10 its..."hi I'm Helen, Mollies mum!.....or Tyler's mum"!
Over the years the Helen got dropped because most of the dealings I had with people were about the kids.....appointments, schools, parent groups ect......I was dropped......
The sense of self loss wasn't apparent to me for a very long time......this was what was expected of me, I had responsibilities, I had a house to keep, kids to care for and a husband to love........sadly my marriage didn't survive this.....I think we grew apart too much and I think he felt he had lost the 'Helen he had fallen in love with and married.....he'd be right, because I had lost her too!
I had sort of accepted my fate if you like, the path I was now going down wasn't my choice, but my children had run off ahead of me in the wrong direction and of coarse I followed without hesitation!!
My needs didn't matter, my dreams were just that.....dreams, not a hopeful reality anymore......my heart had been broken and my mind had decided that the only people to have access now were my friends and my children.....not me, just them!
They were the only reason to get up in the mornings.....they were the only reason I stuck to our daily routines.......school, shopping, housework, dinner, bed....
The fight and willingness to get up and live life each day came from having mollie....she's autistic, she's hard work but she is also an amazing girl who id do anything for, as I would for my other kids.....and she has given me a reason to exist....
Sounds dramatic I know! But the special needs world has changed me, its opened my eyes and my mind for the better.....it has given me a purpose and has also given me some of the best and most amazing friends a person could hope for!! 💜
People try to sympathise with my situation at times, saying "it must be so difficult"....or "you are so strong to do what you do"!! But in reality all i want is for people to listen to me and have understanding of mine and other kids with needs and to spread awareness of their issues......i don't want pity, i don't want handouts, i don't want people to feel sorry for me.......I just want the support and help that is needed and deserved, so my children can be safe, they can learn, they can grow, be happy and live a life that they deserve to live!
This is my life now.......don't feel bad for me because I'm limited to what my future holds...because just like my child i never know what tomorrow brings with her and i have accepted this......don't get me wrong, its hard......I cry, I'm sad, I feel sorry for myself and wonder what I have done to deserve this life!? But alot of people feel this way too.......
As special needs parent i have the added bonus of having an amazing kid who loves me unconditionally, who amazes me on a daily basis! She has no expectations of me apart from being there for her.....and she is such a free spirit who dances to her own beat and sees the world in a way which we will never be able to see or understand.......maybe we should be more like her, then maybe we'd all be abit happier!?
But.......sadly we have responsibilities, we have jobs, roles to play, bills to pay, houses to keep, appointments to attend,....day to day life to get through.....
So, i put on a 'brave face', i smile and say "'I'm fine" or "'its just the way it is".......
I become a mum....
I become an aunty......
I become a sister......
I become a daughter.......
I am a special needs parent.........but
I'm also Helen!!!