I'm stood in my garden in the freezing cold smoking a cigarette.......knowing I will have another almost straight after!! Better that than a vodka....cos I wouldn't stop at one!!
I just knocked the ashtray over trying to put out my fag... the contents of it went all over the floor....I just wanted to cry, scream and throw it against the wall......but I don't.....I light another instead......
I'm so tired.....mentally and physically....
Drained, sad, angry......scared about how much more I can actually take of this life....
This life, which I did not choose,
This life, of which I have no daily control over....
This life which I would never wish on anyone.....as much as I love my daughter!!
This life sucks!!
I'm trying my best, I'm trying to be a good mum, be strong, put on a brave face!!
But this life is hard.....this life isn't fair, this life is all I have and I have to live with that...
I don't think about the future....its too hard...I fear the future.....I fear what will happen to me and my girl......no one will cope with her the way she is at present...
No one will take the abuse and the destruction I do from her....because I'm her mum.....I love her no matter what....even when I don't like her at times.....no one else will accept her ways....her quirks, her loudness, her violence......even tho its not her fault, she doesn't understand why she does things, she gets distressed when she can't control the emotions raging through her body!! She can't express her fears or her confusion.....all I can do is be here for her.....but that is a struggle because I can't make it all better!! I'm her mum and that's what I should be able to do.....but I can't.....
Cos this life I have found myself in will never not be a struggle.....it will never not be hard.....even in the happy, content moments we have I'm always prepared for the bad ones to rear their ugly heads....
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.....
I don't want people to think I write these blogs to get sympathy from them.....
I want others to know what this life is like for us......also for so many other families too!! I want those families to know that they are not alone in this life,....there are others that are struggling just as they do....Living their life behind closed doors...Not being able to do "normal" activities, holidays, parties ect like most families....
It can feel like you are a prisoner in your own home at times.....but generally it's a better option than trying to take your child out and having to deal with the glares, stares and judgement of the general public when our children can't cope with something and they kick off or meltdown!!
It's easier to stay behind closed doors.....
It's easier but it's not better......we as parents can then lose our own identity....we can't do things like we did before we had children.....we can't simply hire a baby sitter so we can go out for the evening.....we can't sit and relaxe and watch a film ect....as most of our children barely sleep or are up at ungodly hours demanding us up with them too!! Nothing is easy in this life.....
Tomorrow is another day.....another day in this life of special needs parenting.....this life of just getting through a day at a time....this life that has and will always be hard, this life that has brought me the most amazing friends I've ever had and would have never met if not for my daughter.....this life, that literally on a daily basis can go from happiness and contentment one minute to chaotic and destructive the next......
This life is definitely not how I expected my life to be .....but I carry on.....this life sucks........but its mine!!
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