So, we are just over a day away from 2021...... normally we would be making plans for news year parties (if you're lucky enough to get a sitter!. No chance! Lol) or making your new years resolutions .......which many rarely keep to till the end of January, such as dry January or the newest diet fad.....mainly due to none of us having any money to go out drinking and because of the covid crisis alot of us have reluctantly piled on the pounds!!.....in my case tons!!!
I'll explain abit about myself for those who don't know me, as this is my first blog,...so here goes!
I'm a 45 year old single parent to 3 girls.
My eldest Gemma is 27 and no longer lives with me.....very very proud of her, she is currently studying for her PhD in biomedical science in Buckinghamshire!
I had her at 18 and raised her alone for the first 10 years of her life, I then married and had 2 more daughters, Rhiannon is 14 and Mollie is 11.
Rhiannon is an amazing girl, she has had to cope with so much over the years, loss on many levels and missing out on numerous things that other teenagers take for granted due to her sisters issues! To make things worse she now has recently developed an acute tic disorder which will probably look to be confirmed as torrets syndrome! How bloody fair is that!! She is a beautiful girl, clever, funny, artistic, kind and polite, and it kills me that this is happening to her! I feel guilt all the time about not giving her my whole attention over the years! Feel like I somehow failed her, all I can do is be here for her and support her where I can, when I can.......😥
Now Mollie......where do I even begin?!
She is amazing! A beautiful soul, one of a kind,....and my baby girl who I adore!......she has autism.....
I don't think that defines her in any way, its just mollie. She was non verbal till around 7, still wearing pads day and night till age 9, is on medication for adhd and severe behaviour issues and also meds to help her sleep! She has horrendous meltdowns which cause violence towards me and also herself! 😥 she has no danger awareness or personal space or body awareness, which makes her extremely vulnerable! This scares me immensely! The future terrifies me, the thought of me not being there to protect her!....so I don't think about it.....at all.
Mollie amazes me every day tho, she has her talents as well as her difficulties....she dances like a pro!! Every time I watch her im still gobsmacked by her moves and adore how much she loves to dance!
My girls are my life.....they are mainly the reason I'm here today, (also my very close friends helped with that too!) Which has enabled me to write this blog....whether anyone else will ever read this is neither here nor there, its good for me to release this stuff....a kind of therapy I suppose?!
The one thing I can say for a fact is that being a special needs mum has changed me! I believe for the better! Made me stronger, more determined and focused....don't get me wrong , it wasn't like that at first, its taken years for me to get where I am today....been quite a journey..........
I was in what I thought was a happy, loving marriage, with a hard working man who supported us as a family and enjoyed our life......I couldn't have been more wrong!!
4 years ago on November 12th 2016 I suddenly lost my mum!! This shook me to the core, I hurt so much and thought I'd never get through my grief! My husband was my rock, he got me through it, he supported me, sorted the girls, housework, shopping ect ect..... I felt so thankful to have him!! Maybe I should have told him that more often??
12th May 2018 didnt only shake me to the core, it ripped open my chest and pulled out my heart and literally crushed it to pieces! He walked out, away from our family and life......no reason, he said he no longer loved me! He ignored me,, didn't call or talk to me, wouldn't tell me why and wouldn't even give our marriage another chance! Devastated, heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe the pain I felt......to make things worse I then discovered he had cheated on me , more than once! For me that was it, it was over, I'd never trust him again but unfortunately I couldn't just turn my feelings off like he had seemed to have done so easily!
Long story short ( and believe me its much longer than what I've put if you think, God she's gone on abit already! Lol ) 2 and a half years later he is in a new relationship, lives with her and they have a 5 month old baby together!! He is no longer the same man I fell in love with 17 years ago! 😥 😔
During these awful times I had my support group and my close friends there for me to cling to....they were my life savers, my reason to keep going even when I didn't want to!
Well I'll end there for now.... if you actually made it to the end, well done you! 😆 and thanks for reading......
Not 100% sure on the actual route this blog is gonna go in, so for now I'll just wing it.....which to be honest is what I'm doing in day to day life at the moment....and I'm still here!!!! 😆