Over the last day or 2 I've been going through my blogs I started a couple of years back.....
Interesting reads to say the least!! 😆
It does make me realise what a roller coaster life I live!!......in a terrified of fairground rides, gonna throw up any second sort of way!! 😫 🤣
I'm currently sat in my back garden, freezing cold with my fluffy socks on and my wooley housecoat on( yes I call it a housecoat!! I'm open to criticism!! 😆) having my morning fags and coffee....trying to prepare myself for another day indoors with Mollie moos!!
It has been what I can only describe as one of the hardest and scariest years I've had on this journey that is now my life!!
Mollie is 13, she has hormones coursing through her body which she she has no understanding of why and how she is feeling the way she does! It's heart breaking to see how they affect her and what her behaviour from this has done to our family!! (through no fault of her own!).
Mollies issues aside, my own mental health has not been very good lately either....
I'm not ashamed to say I'm struggling...big time!! I battle on a daily basis with my thoughts and emotions.....
Jealousy is a horrid one!! I hate it.....its not normally in my nature at all....
but especially at this time of year ( I LOVE Christmas!!) When I see families doing all the seasonal things you can do.....small things like going to see santa ect....my heart sinks....I try to ignore the feeling In the pit of my stomach and try to convince myself it doesn't matter....but I know it does really and it makes me feel so sad and angry at myself and Mollie (the autism mainly!) for having to accept this way of living.....and as hard as it is I accept that jealousy will be a big part of my crazy mesh of emotions for the foreseeable future! 🥺
My thoughts are a whole other bag of wonders!!
I've always prided myself on being a very open minded, friendly and accepting person!
I do believe I still am but depression, anxiety, anger and sadness does some crazy shit to your head......
When I can feel OK one minute,... by ok I mean I'm not crying, having a panic attack, feeling like I wanna scream my head off or just get in my car and keep driving!!!.....the next minute it hits me like a ton of bricks! Mostly I feel like laying there and welcoming the darkness....be alot easier than having to claw my way out...for what?? What do I have to look forward to? Really?? My life is set on a path that I did not choose to walk.....I should be grateful yea, I have 3 healthy kids who are all amazing in there own ways....I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, family and friends who love me.....so on!!...blah blah blah....🤦🏻 but what about me?? Sounds selfish?? Probably! But I feel very sorry for myself lately.....
I try and keep busy, I try to help others like me in the attempt to help them not get to the point I find myself at!! Wishful thinking?? Maybe.....but if I can help just one.....that would be enough 💓
My days just mix in with the same blurr at the moment......my anger for my whole situation is like an athlete on a starting block!! Just waiting......waiting for that "trigger"......whatever it may be.....doesn't have to be anything major but God it will fly like the wind once it goes!!! Its a scarey feeling.....
But the thing is with anger, like the athletes running the hardest and fastest they can push their bodies to get to that finish line....anger also has a cut off point! From the anger you know what's coming after is even worse.....guilt, failure, sorrow and utter exhaustion and defeat.........
It's good to release anger if you have control of it?.....but when it controls you it becomes a battle within you! 🥺
It can appear to change your personality to others....even to yourself? Causing you not to like what you see anymore....or even to care!
I'm even getting angry with myself writing this!!! 😆 🤣
Thinking...."oh my god, shut up and just get on with it woman!!"...... 😝🤣
You've gotta laugh, especially at yourself!
Don't get me wrong, there are some good times.....just wish I had a few more for longer periods at the moment! But hey I'm still here (so far!) So all good......👍
I just wanna finish this by saying that NO-ONE should be ashamed of feeling this way....I'm not, which is why I share these things with others.
When I think of what I'm going through and how I'm feeling , I'm always aware that there are others out there feeling the same things and going through the same issues or even harder ones than I am too!! It's sad to think this, cos I wouldn't wish them on anyone but sadly its reality.....its reassuring that I'm not alone in this.....which is ironic because loneliness is one if the worst feelings of all...and this life is extremely lonely... 😢 😞
Please feel free to share my blog xx