The picture on this post is me......a 47 year old mother of 3....a good person (I believe) .....have a good sense of humour and love being outdoors and being with friends & family......but the picture is also the FACE of Autism! 🥺
I have just been reduced to tears (snotty, cry out loud, heaving tears!) because my 13 year old autistic daughter, mid meltdown & mid lashing out at me....shoved me so hard I fell and hit the floor like a ton of bricks!!!!.....
As I lay there.....crying, in shock mainly!!.....so many thoughts ran through my head.....horrible ones, ones that made me even sadder than I was already and also ones that made me soooo ANGRY! 😡
In that moment (which wasn't really that long, maybe a minute or 2....) I broke!! Now I've been struggling alot recently and cracks have been appearing all over me......but this just broke me!! .......why? What did I ever do to deserve this?? I love my daughter!! Very much, and I know its not her its the autism but........its not fair!! I hate it.....autism.....her struggles, the life I am now living through no fault of my own......
I felt selfish for feeling like that, guilt for feeling anger towards my own child....fear, for both our futures.......
I felt so alone in that moment.....I had no one I could call to come help me! Her dad, my ex husband has abandoned us all and hasn't even seen his kids for almost a YEAR!!
I lost my mum several years ago and sadly my dad wouldn't be any help In this situation, he just doesn't understand mollies issues! He's old school......
My friends......or what I used to believe were my friends have all left me! It left me feeling devastated, betrayed, angry & so alone......
This has also left me with a huge issue now with trusting anyone who gets close to me! I resist calling people for help....I've sat staring at my phone before, flicking through my contact list, thinking....I need help......I can't do this.....but I call no one! Don't wanna be a burden, dont wanna put anyone out, dont want people to feel sorry for me.....
So I laid there.....crying....my knee throbbing cos it hit the floor hard..... all these thoughts rushing through my head.....I give up!!.....but I get up! I don't want to, but I do..... I stand up!....hobble to the sofa and sit.....I breathe (cos thats all i can do in this moment).....cry (still).....pick up my phone and take the selfie...... the face of Autism!! 🥺