It's been a while since I have written a blog...and I'm not 100% sure that I even have anything much to say!? 😆
The last 6 months have been friggin horrendous to say the least....alot of what has happened isnt even easy to explain in words! ☹️
I have struggled to get through the day at times.....sometimes struggled to make it mentally through the next hour or 2!!
I have been through so many different emotions.....usually within the same 24 hours!.......anger, fear, confusion, defeat, sadness, depression, betrayal, hope, happiness, loneliness.......
My anger lives in the pit of my stomach....it rarely emerges unless someone or something causes hurt or upset to my children....it just lays in wait!
Fear is a bitch!! It comes and goes when it wants....doesn't give any warning or let you know that what's about to happen is gonna cause fear to leap out of its hiding place and scare the shit out of you!!!! Luckily it doesn't seem to stick around very long! Phew!!
Now confusion is very confusing!! 😆 it let's you think you know or understand exactly what you are doing or have to deal with ....then BAM! It hits you on the head like a falling brick and stops you in your tracks!! You literally have to either retreat and give up on what you were about to do or wander about frantically hoping that you'll remember!!
Defeat is.....belittling! ☹️ it usually wanders in after you've been working your arse off with something or trying to sort a problem or difficult situation.....and just when you think "yes, I have won this one" ....defeat has snuck up behind you and taps you on the shoulder!!
Sadness is a constant thing for me currently.....it does nap at times and gives me a breather but I always know its still there.....snoozing and tossing and turning, its set up camp and its not going nowhere! Not for a long old time yet anyway! 😴
Now depression is a funny one.....its an emotion of many talents.....makes you perform to your best capabilities one moment then the next makes you retreat inside yourself and want to hide away from everything & everyone! I think depression has multiple personalities......pulls one out the bag when needed but when all the emotions and feelings have dried up completely shuts down.....needing to recharge before starting over again.....😔
Betrayal is an emotion you think you'd never have to cross paths with, or at least hope you didnt.....its abit like a lone traveller, that comes across those unfortunate people who have to suffer from Betrayal in there lives......you don't want to meet this emotion, its brutal and leaves a mark on its victims that will stay with them forever! It's definitely bad news!!
Hope is a bit of good and evil.....it allows you to look forward to things.....for things to get better for you and others around you and to feel optimistic for the future!....then it can swipe those feelings away in a second and leave you feeling empty and not knowing what you have to look forward to anymore...and if you should even bother with hope!??
Happiness is great!! When it truly is happiness?! You can have fun with it, enjoy moments of joy and laughter, not worry about life's difficulties when you are there in the moment with it.......cherish happiness! It comes at fleeting moments but doesn't always like to stay permantly with you! It can tease you with a taste of it but then move on and not tell you when it will be back! 😔
The final feeling I'm gonna talk about is one of the hardest ones I have to deal with.... Loneliness......
This surrounds my heart constantly.....its a permanent fixture in my day to day life that I try to ignore is even there!
Unfortunately with every single beat of my heart it gently echos the pain back inside, reminding me its still there! ......it doesn't stop me from getting on with day to day life but it's a struggle to feel it at times as it causes all the other emotions to rear there heads when it does emerge......
My anger towards Loneliness is that I know its not my fault over things that have happened to me but I have absolutely no control over the situation that I am left in!
My fear of Loneliness is that it will get harder and harder to deal with this emotion, that it will just grow bigger and stronger until it engulfs my heart entirely...
My confusion of Loneliness is the fact that I believe i should never have been in this situation, to be feeling like this in the first place....why me?? Its not fair!?? What did I do to deserve this life?! I dont understand how all this happened?? 😕
Defeat is good friends with Loneliness....it walks hand in hand with it.....it waits for defeat to do its job and then swoops in to make you feel even worse than you had been before!! They can both sit with you for a long while.....like old friends catching up!!
Sadness piggy backs Loneliness......they join forces and have a merry old time in your head. They make you remember lost loved ones, broken relationships and things you'd wished you had done in your life but never managed to get around to doing......they sit together and drown their sorrows, sobbing at old memories and reminding us of times we will never get back.......these 2 emotions are a very bad influence on each other!!
Depression IS loneliness.....its a personal thing you have to live with at times....alot of people deal with depression but everyone's is individual to them.....not one person's is the same as another.....how each person deals with depression is unique to us alone......which is lonely in its self.......
Betrayal emerges to boost loneliness.....it reminds you of being let down.....the fact that you can't trust or truly let someone in because of Betrayal......it causes loneliness to grow strong and feel like a permanent fixture inside.....its only out to cause trouble with loneliness.....
Now hope and happiness has to steer clear of loneliness as best they can.....the 3 don't really get on.....hope trys to be friends and make loneliness think it won't always be like this but it doesn't often help
......loneliness usually goes abit quiet when the 2 of them are around....it waits, lets them have their fun.....maybe slyly smiles in their direction at times but knows that these can be fleeting moments and these 2 emotions aren't reliable.....they can't maintain themselves..... not like loneliness can.....its there for the long term.....it'll always be with you no matter what because it lives off of all the other emotions........
I just wish it didn't make me feel so alone😞 .................