I'm sat at my table in the front room, crying...
now, I'm not a Cryer....I can probably count on one hand the times I have cried in the last year! ......sadly all of them would have stemed from Mollies behaviour towards me!......
I cried the day my mum died......I actually whaled in the hospital hallway...not caring who heard....or who saw me!! ......my mummy was gone and I cried like a little girl.......sobbed..
I cried the day I knew my marriage was over......that was a gut wrenching sorrow which felt like a constant vile sickness in the pit of my stomach that would never go away!!!! A cry of fear that the life I had planned and looked forward to had been ripped away from me for ever!!!.....
I cried the night i lost a close friendship which I thought would be with me for many years.....but people change and go their own ways.....some people get hurt In the process and things can never be the same again....trust, is a very difficult thing to regain when you have been hurt.....my cry was filled with disbelief and confusion to what I had done......I miss my friend 😢
My cry tonight as I sit at my table with my head in my hands is totally un-discribable!!...
It's a release which has built up from the last time I broke down due to mollies behaviour....i feel its a coping mechanism so I don't explode from all the built up tension and emotion I have as a special needs mum.....just trying to get through each day in one piece....
its a cry of despair for the child I have lost, hoped for, expected...compared to the child I have now!.....grief....
its a cry of fear from never knowing what mood she will be in....being on guard every time she walks or runs in the room....ready to guard my face.....defend myself against my beautiful baby girl........
its a cry of anger....did I do something to deserve this life ......why did my child have to be like this......angry at myself for feeling like this in the first place.....guilt.....
A cry filled with shame & pity for myself....for loving my daughter but not always liking her or her behaviour.....for wishing she was "normal"....what ever that means.....
A cry of a fear of the future......who will be there for her when I'm gone.....Will she even notice I'm gone.....Will she care??....does she even love me????........
Sorry if you have just read this and now feel like jumping off a cliff......that was not my intention.......believe me I feel ALL of the above emotions on a daily basis.....sometimes just the one or maybe a mix of 2 or 3.......when I break.....thats when they all brim up to the surface and leak out of my eyes!! Bloody emotions!!! Who'd have em!! 😆
But the human mind and body needs to do this so that we can brush ourselves off.....smile at our kids and know we love them whether they can say it back to us or not......we are their protectors, their chefs, their cleaners, their taxi, their punchbag......their parent!
So I have started to embrace my tears.....I still don't like it but I know its inevitable, something my body has to do so that I can get on with it......in the midst of the sadness I don't think straight , I message friends to help me but even I know there's not much they can do....but it helps to know they are there for me........so I just cry!!!