Having a child with severe autism makes my life feel like I'm constantly in a waiting room......we are always on time for our appointments but never knowing quite how well they will go! they always run late.....always delayed and alot of the time cancelled at the very last minute!!
There always seems to be people who walk in after you and get seen before you too, they come out smiling after having a great outcome and get to leave with their questions answered.......
You always seem to be waiting on many things with an autistic child......
milestones, some that sadly will never surface but you still have hope for them 🙏 😔 each one becomes more and more unrealistic to you as time goes on, you accept the tiny progress made and try to push the others to the back of your mind,
They are still there, waiting......but their appointments are pending.....maybe never even being processed at all....but you wait in hope that maybe someday.....
Challenging behaviours that seem to come and go like waves , at times they seem gentle and you feel calm and capable of handling a paddle in the water.....but as like
Autism the sea is not a thing you swim in carelessly!! Those ripe tides appear out of nowhere and before you know it you are out of your depth and literally are just trying to keep your head above water!!
This can happen to anyone of us, its nothing you can predict, you know the dangers and have learnt to swim, followed all the rules but a wave you're not expecting can knock a full grown man off his feet and make him feel like a drowned rat!!
The next step is to call for help, someone save me!?? But then you have silly thoughts in your head.....no one can hear me.....I'm gonna drown....no one cares......Will anyone even miss me??.....I'm a failure because I can't swim back to shore....its not even that rough out here, a child just swam past 5 minutes ago quite happily and I'm here gasping for breathe!!.....I give up!!.....
So you wait.......wait to see if you will drown or if someone will save you.....its too hard to call for help, haven't got the strength...but at the last moment you find something, that thing in the back of your mind that gives you the courage to fight, to push, to challenge obstacles, to cope with day to day life!! You hold up your hand and shout "help"......
You are saved......that day anyway....but in your gut you know that even though this was a bloody hard incident you will still be coming back to the sea.....its something that is constantly there....part of your life, a part that you adore but are vary of also....but something you can never not be around and never not take the risk for a paddle and even a swim in choppy waters!
You'd be too ashamed to admit to others you had worries and fears about going in the water again! So maybe you think it would be best to put off another visit for a while....tell yourself that you'll wait for better weather or when a friend can come too.......but then you just end up waiting...all the time.
Its not the easiest of things to take control of your thoughts and get yourself in the right frame of mind to even attempt living a "normal" life.....people judge, they stare and some even make hurtful comments....
But if you stop for a moment and look above all the ignorance you will find others just like you......others that are waiting in the same queue as you.....waiting for the same appointment letters to appear.....waiting for those illicit milestones to occur and also being afraid to go into the water alone too!
We are all in this together, we all understand that our lives will always be like this....we accept our kids for who they are....we struggle ,yes but we are their parents.....they need us and we need each other! We need to support, trust, understand and listen to each other because we all "get it" ,our situations may vary but our goals and struggles are the same!
We wait......it is and always will be a waiting game.........but, we wait together!! ❤